Apologies and Updates May 5, 2007
Sincere apologies to my (theoretical at this point) readers for the extreme lack of posting in the last couple of weeks. This alpha female has been laid off and is seeking gainful employment. Wish me luck!
A One Income Household Is Still a Two Way Street (Part 1) April 23, 2007
“I found love on two-way street/but lost it on a lonely highway…”
While quiet storm jams rarely have life-altering wisdom to share, these words are quite insightful and deserve a second read (listen?). When you’re the primary or solitary earner in a two-plus person home, resentment can arise. In fact, it’s almost guaranteed. That vintage baseball card collection he’s passionate about starting? It’s costing you hours of work per month. Similarly, her love of designer handbags may be cutting into earnings you had earmarked for something else. Clearly, setting out some guidelines about spending can ensure that you don’t end up on that falsetto-ed “lonely highway.” Today I’ll touch on two ways to change your attitude in this situation, and in the coming week, I’ll hit on two concrete actions: one to take and one to avoid.
First, estimate your own expenses fairly. When you’re working full-time and your partner isn’t, it can be easy to play the martyr. However, before you begrudge their splurge on a new sweater or even a bottle of wine (when you know you won’t drink any), consider your own expenses. What have you bought recently that your partner couldn’t share with you? Don’t fall into the mindset of thinking your partner is the only one spending on themselves. It may feel that way, but it’s probably not the reality. Stay focused on the hard facts, not your work-wearied perceptions, and you may find that your spending habits are far more equitable than you imagined.
Respect your partner’s non-monetary contributions. Yes, you bring home the cold, hard cash, but that doesn’t mean you’re the only one bringing value to the relationship. Is your partner taking care of the children? Caregivers typically earn $8 an hour (median rate in 2004). Are they cleaning the house? That nets over $20,000 a year on average. Do they do the cooking? Personal chefs typically earn $25 to $50 per hour. How about any laundry, massages, errand-running, shopping, and entertaining? Your partner’s contributions to your lifestyle may be more significant than you realize. Stop undervaluing them and assuming that they don’t have the same stress and challenges you do.
Later, I’ll share more concrete advice on how to ensure that your one income household runs like an equitable two way street.
Home Hacks: Invest in Attractive Linens April 20, 2007
Everyone’s got their kryptonite–even butt-kicking alpha women. Mine is making the bed. It’s not that I hate it or that it takes too long. The fact of the matter is that I just don’t do it. I’ve come to accept this, much as I accept that I will never stop craving peanut butter cups. However, it makes the entire bedroom look messy and casts a pall on the house as a whole. In response, I came up with a solution. Welcome to your first home hack:
Buy stylishly coordinating linens and leave the bed unmade. Seriously. (Okay, make it only when your parents will be visiting.) Think about it–many of the designer beds you see in linen catalogs are unmade (to better show off the, well, linens) and they look fabulous. The trick is in selecting linens that can make a statement. Matching top sheets, bottom sheets, and pillowcases will always look coordinated, but they’ll rarely look stylish. If you want to rock the unmade look, you’ve got to mix it up a bit more. Here’s the checklist I go by:
- Solid color comforter that is similar in tone to the wall color
- Solid color bottom sheet (the one with the elastic sides) that contrasts with the comforter
- Solid color pillowcases in a bright accent color
- Print top sheet that blends at least two of the three colors together
For advanced bed un-makers only: Different print throw that blends at least two colors together
Let’s try an example. Mix a creamy comforter with a black bottom sheet, red pillowcases and a black-white-and-red geometric print top sheet. Throw a cherry blossom print in red and white on top and your messy-as-hell bed suddenly looks straight out of Pottery Barn. Your unmade bed is now a spicy centerpiece–without having to invest in a dozen funtionless, male-migraine-inducing throw pillows!
Are these guidelines the only way to do this? Of course not. If you’ve got an inner designer in you, you can probably mix and match easily and still come away with a great combo. However, if you’re not sure about your decorating sensibility, use the above ingredients as a cheat sheet.
Perhaps best of all, you can save some good money by buying single sheets and pillowcase sets as you find them on clearance racks or in catalog sales. If you can sew, try making your own pillowcases and watch the savings multiply.
Home Hacks: Underground Housewife Ninja Moves April 19, 2007
I’ll be the first to admit it: housekeeping sucks. It’s redundant. It’s futile. It’s moderately degrading. (There’s really no other way to describe mopping up dog urine.) It’s the ultimate act of optimism when you clean a surface and actually expect it to stay clean. Even though I’ve got my freakish Monica streak and love to clean on occasion. I hate certain tasks. I loathe them. I want to watch them die a slow, agonizing death. In that spirit, I’ll be posting home hacks from time to time. Hopefully, these hacks (or shortcuts) can help you destroy housekeeping tasks with ninja-like stealth. If you’ve got any hacks to share, please feel free.
Mom’s Advice Pays Off: Financial Independence Is Critical April 18, 2007
Mom always raised me to be independent. Though she didn’t beat it into my brain or lay out too explicitly, I grew into adulthood knowing that being financially independent (i.e. not reliant on a parent or a man) was a vital part of being a grown-up. While I took this advice to heart, I never really understood its true importance.
I just found out that my husband is going to need to put his business on hold (or scale back dramatically) due to health reasons. I am now no longer a de facto alpha female; it’s official. I’ll probably be supporting us for the rest of our lives (barring any unforeseen developments).
If I hadn’t followed my mom’s advice, my husband might not be able to take care of his health issues. While I may have fantasized about a dude on a white horse with a fat paycheck, I didn’t bank on it; I banked on myself. Thank goodness for Mom.
Trying Not to Pull My Hair Out April 17, 2007
On a normal day, my husband and I work pretty well together. I get up first and make the coffee, we take turns taking the pooch out, and he fires up dinner once I’m done with work. On other days, it falls apart. I’ve a) done my taxes, b) completed a full work day, c) babysat the too-energetic dog because Mr. Alpha has a headache.
Wait, what?! How does it end up that the person who worked a full day gets dog-sitting duty while the non-working person gets a pass? It’s just not fair! Of course, I started steaming once I realized it was another one of those days where I get stuck being “on-call” beyond what is normally fair and then I stopped to realize why: I frickin’ volunteered.
My first response when hubby said he had a headache was to try to solve the problem (namely, Alpha Poochie). The problem is that now I’m stuck feeling a bit used and it’s my own fault. I don’t want to blame myself even though it’s my problem (who does?), so I guess I’ll just blame it on the rain. There are few things worse than realizing that you fully identify with a Milli Vanilli jam. Welcome to Tuesday.
Stay Focused with a Work at Home Job April 13, 2007
Working at home is a wonderful opportunity. You’ll have freedom, extra time, and blah, blah, blah. Once you’re over the joy-high of telecommuting, you realize the truth: working from home can be a real bitch. No one respects your “office hours,” your furniture is not that comfortable, and you don’t get that “just clocked out” rush at the end of the day. However, there’s no reason to let such a sweet gig get you down. Instead, stay focused on the positive and try the following steps:
1. Maintain consistent hours. Even though flex time can be one of the perks of telecommuting, it can also come back to bite you. Once you dely the start of the work day by so much as 15 minutes, it’s a slippery slope from there. Start at the same time every day (except in rare cases when it would be a burden). Establishing consistent hours keeps you on-target and more motivated. Any procrastination will mean that you’ll get off later, a serious drag that you’ll stay focused to avoid.
2. Find a wake-up treat. Even early risers can have a hard time dragging up, especially when no one’s looking over their shoulders. The fact is that you’ve got to find a way to motivate yourself. Find a treat that you love (like buttered bagels or International Foods coffee–yum!) and only let yourself have it if you get up at a certain hour. Better yet, find a TV show or radio program that’s only on early and get up in time to watch it while you enjoy coffee and breakfast before work. (This is what finally worked for me.)
3. Jot down off-task thoughts for later reference. Non work-related thoughts are bound to pop in your head throughout the day. These can range from, “Oh crap, I have to do the laundry tonight,” to, “I wonder how that head scarf on the laundry pile would look as a window valance in the kitchen.” Don’t try to force the thoughts out of your mind, but don’t let them derail you either. Instead, keep either a Notepad file or an actual notepad open. Jot down those thoughts that you’ll want to remember later and then refocus your attention on the task at hand. Your mind is now free and clear for work.
4. Don’t take outside communications. Seriously. Don’t answer the phone, even if it’s your best friend and you feel guilty. Even if it’s your mom and you feel really guilty.* Don’t respond to non-work emails and don’t reply to non-work IMs. Then, when you’re done with work or on a break, respond to only those things that are urgent or that you’re actually interested in. When you respond, let the person know, “I haven’t been able to respond because I’ve been working” so they won’t feel flat-out ignored, but don’t apologize. Eventually, they’ll get the hint that your work hours are as serious as those of everyone else and you won’t have so many outside distractions preventing you from focusing.
*You can always come up with a code for emergencies. For example, if Mom calls twice in a row, answer it–it’s an emergency. Just make sure you don’t use this technique with people who think, “My hair appointment was cancelled” is an emergency.
5. Find an isolated spot to work from, if possible. This is one is less about handling problems and more about heading them off at the pass. After all, even if you can focus amid distractions, your husband/wife/best friend/roommate/child may not be able to resist talking to you if you’re nearby. Make it easy on everyone and avoid hurt feelings–don’t tempt them! If possible, work in a room with a door that can be shut. Let everyone know that when the door is shut, you’re working hard and can’t be disturbed. (It’s also a great way to let others know that it’s not a good time to expect you to answer the door, take calls, or let the dog out. Let them handle it–you’re busy!) If you have to work in an open space, try to position yourself out of the line of sight of others; if you can’t see it, you can’t be expected to deal with it.
While being a successful telecommuter is largely about self-motivation, these relatively simple fixes have helped me change from a procrastinating bitch and moaner to a relatively productive work at home alpha female. Give it a while and let me know how it goes!
My Alpha Financial Philosophy April 12, 2007
Since I expect this blog to take a personal finance twist from time to time, it seemed relevant to provide some background on my own financial philosophy. The most accurate description of my financial personality might be “Frugal Yuppie.” I pride myself on being a conservative spender and a black belt saver. However, I do hope to have a fabulous house and nurse a weakness for fashion (thus the “yuppie” addendum).
As far as investing goes, I’m a newbie. As I was very conservative with my money throughout college, I continued this trend once I landed my first job. My husband (then boyfriend) was the one who pushed me towards investing, with the attitude that not investing was a bigger risk. He’s had me convinced for about a year, and now I’m a fairly aggressive investor (select mutual funds and individual stock picks). Though the market is currently rough, I’m young enough (25 years old) to handle the ups and downs.
Recently, paying the mortgage on our lovely new home on just my salary has put a major dent in my ability to save. As we make improvements to the house and get established, money seems to flying out the door faster than I can earn it. However, I would never put my future at risk for the present, so I continue to make regular Roth IRA (mine and his) and 401k contributions.
My most common pitfalls are lack of budgeting (I never used to spend even close to what I earned, so this wasn’t a problem before marriage) and being somewhat overly frugal. While I’m a bit pinched, I don’t want to spend these years feeling like crap about money, but without letting ourselves have many treats, it’s easy to get down on myself about poor cash flow.
In short, I’m pretty sure I’m going to win the financial war eventually, but the current battles are wearing me down.
The Alpha Myth
The Alpha Myth has been passed down for years, particularly since the feminist revolution in the 1960s. Everyone from Betty Friedan to Barbie has espoused the alpha myth. This myth states that women can do anything–which is not only a fabulous philosophy, but also absolutely true. So why the “myth” label on my part? This isn’t because I’m a cynic or an underground revolutionary (though that does sound like an intriguing career path….). Quite the opposite! I refer to this alpha ideology as a myth because according to this school of thought, women are supposed to be able to do everything and be thrilled to do so.
This is where the problem lies. The Alpha Myth doesn’t allow room for those days when you’re sick of being responsible and you just want someone to take care of you for a change. When I have one of those days, the Alpha Myth makes me feel like it’s wrong or unnatural to feel worried or just plain tired. I’m supposed to be able to do it all, right? The corollary to this is that if I can’t do it all with a smile on my face, something must be wrong with me; I must have failed somewhere.
Once you analyze a myth and debunk it, it loses some of its power. So, lately I’ve been using this newly gained insight to help me rebalance myself when I flounder. Instead of throwing my hands up and saying, “This is too much. I quit. Clearly, I can’t do it all–you must have made some mistake putting me in this role,” I stop and let myself have those feelings. So far, it’s worked well for me. Instead of making me feel weaker, admitting my shortcomings and starting to accept them as normal helps me feel like I’m back in control. To put in the words of Margaret Mitchell’s Scarlett O’Hara, “After all, tomorrow is another day.” Consider this one debunked!
My Alpha Origins April 10, 2007
While you may be shocked to hear it (cough*sarcasm*cough), I am not thrilled by being able to bring home the bacon and fry it in a pan. I’m much happier to have the bacon fried for me and served with a frosty beer. But, such is life as an accidental alpha.
As the sole breadwinner in my two-person home, it falls on my shoulders to cover all the bills, from the mortgage to the occasional splurge. And as a woman who has a Monica Gellar-esque streak, the cleaning usually comes down to me as well. I also take care of the dog, do my best to make our house a home, and make nice with the in-laws at least twice a week. The end result? An odd mix of pride, financial security, and hair-pulling frustration.
How did I end up on this path? I certainly didn’t plan on it and most of time, I can’t believe I’m actually here. Being the alpha female of the house happened more by random circumstance than a carefully planned decision. The short story is that I graduated from a good college, got a decent job with pretty good perks, grew into a smart, financially capable woman, and then fell in love. Now, as the husband steps out of the 9-to-5 grind and begins his own small business, it’s up to me to keep us afloat.
The good news is that I know I’m not the only woman out there in this compromising situation, which is why Alpha Female, Beta World exists. There’s a wonderful community of alphas out there who are alternately proud of their go-get-’em status and sick to death of the pressures it can bring. Feel free to join in the conversation whether you’re an alpha or not. As an accidental alpha, one of the most important things I’ve learned is that misery loves company, but usually bails on the party once others show up.
