Alpha Female, Beta World

A One Income Household Is Still a Two Way Street (Part 1) April 23, 2007

“I found love on two-way street/but lost it on a lonely highway…”

 While quiet storm jams rarely have life-altering wisdom to share, these words are quite insightful and deserve a second read (listen?).  When you’re the primary or solitary earner in a two-plus person home, resentment can arise.  In fact, it’s almost guaranteed. That vintage baseball card collection he’s passionate about starting? It’s costing you hours of work per month.  Similarly, her love of designer handbags may be cutting into earnings you had earmarked for something else.  Clearly, setting out some guidelines about spending can ensure that you don’t end up on that falsetto-ed “lonely highway.” Today I’ll touch on two ways to change your attitude in this situation, and in the coming week, I’ll hit on two concrete actions: one to take and one to avoid.

First, estimate your own expenses fairly.  When you’re working full-time and your partner isn’t, it can be easy to play the martyr.  However, before you begrudge their splurge on a new sweater or even a bottle of wine (when you know you won’t drink any), consider your own expenses.  What have you bought recently that your partner couldn’t share with you?  Don’t fall into the mindset of thinking your partner is the only one spending on themselves.  It may feel that way, but it’s probably not the reality.  Stay focused on the hard facts, not your work-wearied perceptions, and you may find that your spending habits are far more equitable than you imagined.

Respect your partner’s non-monetary contributions.  Yes, you bring home the cold, hard cash, but that doesn’t mean you’re the only one bringing value to the relationship.  Is your partner taking care of the children? Caregivers typically earn $8 an hour (median rate in 2004).  Are they cleaning the house?  That nets over $20,000 a year on average.  Do they do the cooking?  Personal chefs typically earn $25 to $50 per hour.  How about any laundry, massages, errand-running, shopping, and entertaining?  Your partner’s contributions to your lifestyle may be more significant than you realize.  Stop undervaluing them and assuming that they don’t have the same stress and challenges you do.

Later, I’ll share more concrete advice on how to ensure that your one income household runs like an equitable two way street.