Alpha Female, Beta World

A One Income Household Is Still a Two Way Street (Part 1) April 23, 2007

“I found love on two-way street/but lost it on a lonely highway…”

 While quiet storm jams rarely have life-altering wisdom to share, these words are quite insightful and deserve a second read (listen?).  When you’re the primary or solitary earner in a two-plus person home, resentment can arise.  In fact, it’s almost guaranteed. That vintage baseball card collection he’s passionate about starting? It’s costing you hours of work per month.  Similarly, her love of designer handbags may be cutting into earnings you had earmarked for something else.  Clearly, setting out some guidelines about spending can ensure that you don’t end up on that falsetto-ed “lonely highway.” Today I’ll touch on two ways to change your attitude in this situation, and in the coming week, I’ll hit on two concrete actions: one to take and one to avoid.

First, estimate your own expenses fairly.  When you’re working full-time and your partner isn’t, it can be easy to play the martyr.  However, before you begrudge their splurge on a new sweater or even a bottle of wine (when you know you won’t drink any), consider your own expenses.  What have you bought recently that your partner couldn’t share with you?  Don’t fall into the mindset of thinking your partner is the only one spending on themselves.  It may feel that way, but it’s probably not the reality.  Stay focused on the hard facts, not your work-wearied perceptions, and you may find that your spending habits are far more equitable than you imagined.

Respect your partner’s non-monetary contributions.  Yes, you bring home the cold, hard cash, but that doesn’t mean you’re the only one bringing value to the relationship.  Is your partner taking care of the children? Caregivers typically earn $8 an hour (median rate in 2004).  Are they cleaning the house?  That nets over $20,000 a year on average.  Do they do the cooking?  Personal chefs typically earn $25 to $50 per hour.  How about any laundry, massages, errand-running, shopping, and entertaining?  Your partner’s contributions to your lifestyle may be more significant than you realize.  Stop undervaluing them and assuming that they don’t have the same stress and challenges you do.

Later, I’ll share more concrete advice on how to ensure that your one income household runs like an equitable two way street.

Mom’s Advice Pays Off: Financial Independence Is Critical April 18, 2007

Mom always raised me to be independent.  Though she didn’t beat it into my brain or lay out too explicitly, I grew into adulthood knowing that being financially independent (i.e. not reliant on a parent or a man) was a vital part of being a grown-up.  While I took this advice to heart, I never really understood its true importance. 

I just found out that my husband is going to need to put his business on hold (or scale back dramatically) due to health reasons.  I am now no longer a de facto alpha female; it’s official.  I’ll probably be supporting us for the rest of our lives (barring any unforeseen developments).

If I hadn’t followed my mom’s advice, my husband might not be able to take care of his health issues.  While I may have fantasized about a dude on a white horse with a fat paycheck, I didn’t bank on it; I banked on myself.  Thank goodness for Mom.

Trying Not to Pull My Hair Out April 17, 2007

On a normal day, my husband and I work pretty well together.  I get up first and make the coffee, we take turns taking the pooch out, and he fires up dinner once I’m done with work.  On other days, it falls apart.  I’ve a) done my taxes, b) completed a full work day, c) babysat the too-energetic dog because Mr. Alpha has a headache.

 Wait, what?!  How does it end up that the person who worked a full day gets dog-sitting duty while the non-working person gets a pass?  It’s just not fair!  Of course, I started steaming once I realized it was another one of those days where I get stuck being “on-call” beyond what is normally fair and then I stopped to realize why: I frickin’ volunteered.

 My first response when hubby said he had a headache was to try to solve the problem (namely, Alpha Poochie).  The problem is that now I’m stuck feeling a bit used and it’s my own fault.  I don’t want to blame myself even though it’s my problem (who does?), so I guess I’ll just blame it on the rain. There are few things worse than realizing that you fully identify with a Milli Vanilli jam. Welcome to Tuesday.